Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's Christmas Eve and I'm Waiting.

TRUTH: It's Christmas Eve and I feel as if I'm waiting for something.
Truth: It's Christmas Eve and I feel a bit resentful that because of the weather I am not with more of my family.
Truth: Because the Mister and I don't share the same religious upbringing, this time of the year can be a little ... different. I miss the customs I used to observe and I think he finds himself conflicted. Growing up, he must have felt different from most of the other kids and families around him. It is difficult when you feel you have to explain yourself.
But just because I'm being truthful and whining a bit (on Christmas Eve, when each year, as a child, I would be so excited I would feel as if I held my breath the entire night) please don't feel sorry for me. I have had more than enough chances to experience the happiness of being showered with gifts and love.
It's just an awkward sense of emptiness inside - a little grieving, I guess - as I think back on noisy, festive, pleasant times with people who are no longer here to hold and kiss.
Or maybe it's a wish that I had been more prepared and mailed packages and more cards. And why do I think that would have made things different tonight?
Perhaps I'm just a little disappointed in myself. And maybe I should delete this whole entry and begin again. Or maybe not. I doubt that I'm the only one tonight who wishes for a little more of something they can't quite explain. Some might suggest the solution is religion, remembering the "reason for the season." They might be right.
I think I had better quit for the evening. Above is a picture of a Christmas tree my Mister "made" for me. He found branches and put them together on a stand and I decorated it. Life was just too busy this year with work and snow and ice.
It was fun to find this tree picture. It lifted my heart a bit to remember how he wanted to make the season special for me and give me this homemade "Charlie Brown" tree - femminismo

3 comments:

~Barb~ said...

Trust me that you are not alone in your feelings of "something's missing" at this time of year. Both of my parents are gone and because of life being what it is, I'm not close to other family members these days either, so it is a very melancholy time for me. A time for remembering those noisy, festive and fun times as a kid...I know what you're talking about. Really I do.

But life moves on and we learn to make our own lives as we travel this journey, I suppose.

We ate homemade cheeseburgers tonight and played games on the PS3...how holiday-ish does that sound. LOL

Eh, enough. I was just commiserating.

May your holiday be full of joy...
Peace & Love,
~Barb~

Angela Recada said...

Hi Jeanne!

Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your nice comment on my blog! I am now a follower of your wonderful blog and have listed it among my (new!) favorites. When I have a chance I look forward to reading more of your past posts.

I, too, find the holidays to be a happy/sad time. There is so much social and media pressure to celebrate a certain way that you automatically feel depressed if you do things a little differently. I find I can get through the season best by focusing on celebrating the beginning of Winter (December 1 for me!) and the Solstice. January 1 I begin to look forward to Spring (March 1 for me).

(Yes, Grandmas are so very special!) Best Wishes!

Angela

Candace said...

Hi there, Pal.
Look who came to visit you today...! Your correspondent from the sunny South. Christmas is being spent alone -- ok, ok, with the dogs and cats -- as T is gone for the holidays to visit relatives.

It can indeed be a conflicted time for all, and while we can't escape our past (whether happy or sad), we can indeed lay foundations for future good memories.

Like -- What a great tree!!! Maestro, please, a little Charlie Brown music for these two, s'il vous plait.
Take care.
Candace